What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 04:47
I write beautiful poetry .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
What's an uncomfortable truth you've learned to accept?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was 9 years of age.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im still living with it.
How can we get rid of viral fever naturaly?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She married twice! .
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Was to survive, this bastard.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And i lived it daily.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Especially a lifetime of it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So whats the point in blame.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Is it true that most Indian men are gay and they just hide their feelings?
She wouldn,t have been !
But ive been too sick for many years..
I said to her
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Comes on , in middle age.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was seconnd youngest,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But, we were locked up after school.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I could never make a relationship work though!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Put me off passion for life!!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My family never makes their pension either.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was very sick at this time too.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When she asked me how she looked .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My life is so biszare .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We all went to grammer schools
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One cannot live in the past .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I think the readers, may guess!
Why did i forgive my father ?
This is soul school!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I waited trembling.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
(And it was in our own minds.)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Ive learnt so much.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She found it foreign!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
What did i know ?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Who then, do I blame.?
I will be 64.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Would this be the day?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But it wasn’t much.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He resisted the act ,that day.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was scared of men, in general
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She was in good health!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So, i spoilt her more .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We were not on the streets..
All the time i was locked up.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I don,t even have a pension.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It was going to be , some day.
She loved him until the end.
He knew the spot.
I have no regrets .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I never cut or harmed myself..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As i do to all so called friends.?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..